Letter to the UK

To the sub­jects of the Queen Elizabeth Battenberg-Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, in light of your con­tinu­ing fail­ure to choose wheth­er or not to creep away from the EU, we hereby give notice of the revoc­a­tion of your inde­pend­ence, effect­ive today. The Dogger Bank shall be rebuilt in order to end your island status and con­tin­ent­al­ise Britain again.

The European Union resumes its duties over all states, com­mon­wealths and oth­er ter­rit­or­ies. Except Tottenham, which she does not fancy.

Your new President (M. Jean-Claude Juncker, for the 87.9% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world across the chan­nel) will appoint a Commissioner for Britain. Houses of Commons and Lords are dis­ban­ded. A ques­tion­naire cir­cu­lated next year will determ­ine wheth­er any of you noticed.

To aid your trans­ition to an out­er­most region of the EU, the fol­low­ing rules are intro­duced with imme­di­ate effect:

1. Look up “revoc­a­tion” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Discard said dic­tion­ary there­after and do like­wise with your spelling. We man­date that English ortho­graphy shall hence­forth obey “rules”.

2. You should learn to dis­tin­guish German and Russian, Spanish and Italian, Danish and Swedish. It really isn’t that hard. European lan­guages are not lim­ited to Nazi accents and pseudo-French. You must learn that there are no such people as Bayrischer in Germany. The name of the jerks is “Bayern”. If you per­sist in call­ing them Bayrische, all British eth­ni­cit­ies will become “-ians” e.g. Englians, Londonians, Cornians.

3. You will not be per­mit­ted to butcher for­eign vocab­u­lary any­more bey­ond reas­on­able accen­tu­ation. In par­tic­u­lar, every noble whose name’s syl­lable count can­not be guessed by the major­ity of a ran­dom, fair jury, will be sent to the guillotine.

4. You should stop play­ing crick­et. It is not a very good game if explain­ing the basic rules takes longer than a world championship.

You should stop sub­sti­tut­ing row­ing skills for aca­dem­ic performance.

5. All pigs, domest­ic­ated or fer­al, will be handed over to Spain. All former or cur­rent prime min­is­ters of the UK are for­bid­den to enter that country.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or con­sume spir­its, or any­thing con­tain­ing more alco­hol than apple juice. Because you are infam­ous for your atti­tudes when it comes to drink­ing, you need a per­mit to pur­chase apple juice.

7. The Queen’s birth­day is no longer a pub­lic hol­i­day. June 23rd will be a new nation­al hol­i­day. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

8. All British food­stuff is hereby banned. It is crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Spanish food, you will under­stand what we mean.

9. All speed lim­its will be revoked, and you will start driv­ing on the right. Enhanced motor­ways and cor­rect driv­ing will help us to remove the less adapt­able ele­ments from your soci­ety and gene pool.

10. Learn to make real pud­ding. Those things you call pud­ding are not real pud­dings. Black pud­ding, by the sound of it, should be made of chocol­ate and not of blood. Real pud­dings are sweet and don’t con­tain any­thing that ever had a soul.

11. “Continental break­fast” shall be rela­belled, through­out the uni­on, as “break­fast”. Continental tyres will be merged with Michelin.

12. Learn to resolve leg­al issues without put­ting on silly wigs. Generally cut a bit back on the drag. Constant dress­ing up shows you’re not adult enough to be an island. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without turn­ing everything into a mas­quer­ade, you’re not grown up enough to enter a pub.

13. Please tell us where to find Hogwarts. It’s been driv­ing us crazy.

14. In order to intro­duce some con­tin­ent­al cul­ture, the Queen will be deposed. She can rule Canada or Australia, whichever she prefers. The heir to the throne of Hannover will be with you shortly to ensure the cor­rect con­tinu­ation of the line to the throne (back­dated to 1837).

Thank you for your co-oper­a­tion. Please send Mr. John Cleese, Bath, Somersetshire, as your ambas­sad­or to Brussels, as we like him a lot.

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